On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG