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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Mitch Hedberg

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG

Appearance Funny Humor Nice
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor People
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Life
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mathematics Relationship
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG

Photograph Young Yourself
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG

Cloud Stupidity Wrong
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Lonely Myself Play
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fall Funny Myself Travel
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Break Funny Humor Sorry
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Clever Funny Witty
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Love
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG

Cancer Funny Humor
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Way
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dream Hate Sleep
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dog Funny Humor

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

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Popular Authors

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