I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG