The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERSThe fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERS






