Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERSWhen my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS