My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERSI’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERS