“My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.”

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.

To me absurdity is the only reality.

There’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.

Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.

If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.

Power will be maintained by the groovy guy or gal who gets the most media coverage for his sleaze. Naturally, his friends in various businesses will do okay, too.

The price of meat has just gone up and your old lady has just gone down.

We could improve worldwide mental health if we acknowledged that parents can make you crazy.

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else’s life.

Republicans stand for raw, unbridled evil and greed and ignorance smothered in balloons and ribbons.

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.

There are only two things to remember. Number one: Don’t Stop, and number two: Keep going!

You can bet everything will come to an end. It’s going to be ugly and it’s going to be a mess, and it’s going to be something that somebody did in the name of God.

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons and 85% morons.

Censoring what you say is one of the ways in which people who are not nice can take away your personal freedom.

A strong body makes the mind strong, I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind.

Comprehension, in short, means the unpremeditated, attentive facing up to, and resisting of, reality—whatever it may be or might have been.

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advice his clients to plant vines.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.

The appetites will rule if the mind is vacant.

Advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.

A very great man once said you should love your enemies and that’s not a bad piece of advice. We can love them but, by God, that doesn’t mean we’re not going to fight them.