When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPSAlways remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPSOne man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPSMy computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPSYou don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPSI think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPSThe other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPSThe way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPSI love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPSI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPSProbably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSAt my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS