I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPSInterviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPSI took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSThe other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPSDon’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPSI’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSAll the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPSOne man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPSI think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS