I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPSI asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS