The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSI asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS