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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

Emo Philips

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS

Computer Intelligence Thinking
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS

Death Last Remember Word
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Blank Children Love Myself School Watch
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS

Forever Myself Mystery Reminder
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPS

Comedy See Television Way Woman Yourself
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Forgiveness Funny God Myself Night Prayer Realization Steal
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS

Character Myself Permanent
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS

Alcohol Drink Myself Night
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS

Drop Food Funny Myself Relationship Spoon
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS

Excitement Myself Parents Protection Road Street
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPS

Away College Letter Parents
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS

Devil Murder Oneself Time Tough
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPS

Country Enough Rotate Slow Way Yourself

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

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