I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS