I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPS