When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS