I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS