My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS