I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPSSo I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS