My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPS






