The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS