When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
EMO PHILIPS