When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS