I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS