I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS