At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS






