I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS






