The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPSA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS