I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPSA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPS