You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS