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Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

Bob Hope

I led such a sheltered life I didn’t go out with girls until I was almost four.
BOB HOPE

Four Girl Lives Sheltered
I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.
BOB HOPE

Flying Funny Travel Luggage
Everybody is afraid they won’t have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
BOB HOPE

Discover Funny Money Taken
It’s a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he’s dead.
BOB HOPE

Average Funny Humorous
I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.
BOB HOPE

Get Golf Names Vain
There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.
BOB HOPE

Funny Humorous Pointed Rip
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
BOB HOPE

Country Humorous People Soup
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
BOB HOPE

Comedy Direction Helping Life Wondering
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
BOB HOPE

Day Mean Motherhood Mothers
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’
BOB HOPE

Dies Golf Pain Swings
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
BOB HOPE

One Should Taxes Travel Years
Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.
BOB HOPE

Funny Humorous Japan
If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.
BOB HOPE

Balls Golf Nation Slice Worry
I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.
BOB HOPE

Men President Six
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
BOB HOPE

Age Golf Play Tried Weight
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
BOB HOPE

Doors Even Garage Love Makin Next

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

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Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

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Popular Authors

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