“Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”

Now if a joke is in bad taste or it’s not funny, okay, that’s awhole different thing, but how you craft a joke is really what the writer’s job is, and I don’t think that technique should be subject to any editorial constraints.

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement.

I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.

It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problems?

MOMMMM, I’m thirsty… What’s this, just water?

You ever think about this? Every year you live, you pass the anniversary of your death. Now you don’t know what day it is, of course.

You know, a lot of people feel that sobriety is about just stopping using whatever it was that you appeared to be addicted to, but it really has to do with a way of looking at your life and taking accountability.

I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.

You mix a bunch of ingredients, and once in a great while, chemistry happens.

Hobbes: Do you think there’s a God? Calvin: Well, somebody’s out to get me!

In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive.

I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life…procrastinating and rationalizing.

The whole idea of hobknobbing and schmoozing and the concept of an “elite” class of celebrities better than the common people has always made my stomach turn.

There was a period in my late 30s where work slowed down for me, as it does for a lot of women. You’re no longer the young, cute thing anymore and maybe you’re not quite old enough to play (what others think of) in terms of women in charge.

I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them.

I will never forget that day. I just wanted to see Kurt Cobain’s face. I had a feeling he was very cute. But, I couldn’t see his face.

You grow up real quick, a half-Mexican in a sailor’s suit, because I’d be riding the streetcar to school everyday.

Minding my own business, humming out a ‘Frere Jacques’ – and I realized that in any other town, this might be considered cute. But you know what it is in San Francisco? Sexy.

Some kids in Italy call me ‘Mama Jazz; I thought that was so cute. As long as they don’t call me ‘Grandma Jazz.’

Your cute shades, and it is kind of the outfit you stay in the entire day.

Don’t try to be what you’re not. If you’re nervous, be nervous. If you’re shy, be shy. It’s cute.