“I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.”

MOMMMM, I’m thirsty… What’s this, just water?

You ever think about this? Every year you live, you pass the anniversary of your death. Now you don’t know what day it is, of course.

You know, a lot of people feel that sobriety is about just stopping using whatever it was that you appeared to be addicted to, but it really has to do with a way of looking at your life and taking accountability.

I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.

You mix a bunch of ingredients, and once in a great while, chemistry happens.

Hobbes: Do you think there’s a God? Calvin: Well, somebody’s out to get me!

In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive.

I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life…procrastinating and rationalizing.

The whole idea of hobknobbing and schmoozing and the concept of an “elite” class of celebrities better than the common people has always made my stomach turn.

Having an enviable career is one thing. Being a happy person is another

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone. -Hobbes

CALVIN: When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I’ll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.

Even if lives did hang in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.

I’m willing to take the blame if the strip goes down the drain, and I want the credit if it succeeds. So long as it has my name on it, I want it to be mine.

For my first show at ‘SNL’, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn’t getting any laughs.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

People are so sensitive, people are so defensive. I agree with you. We have to learn to loosen up, lighten up, and laugh a little bit.

Laugh at love and love will make you cry.

Make them laugh, and then make them listen.

Bittersweet is kind of my own favourite style because I want to be able to cry to the same song that I also can laugh to.

I think China is laughing about the results of the presidential elections. China, Russia, they all laugh about it.

If I look at it, I would laugh. I don’t know how I became successful.