Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEYYes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
BILL BAILEY