I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
BILL BAILEYThere’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
BILL BAILEY