It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEYNot to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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This shed does not contain me.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEY