I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
BILL BAILEYNot to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
BILL BAILEY