“I’ve learned, That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.”

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

I’ve learned, That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.

Conservatives are more religious than liberals–although there is no evidence that they’re nicer people because of it.

I’ve learned that we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

Unfortunately, propaganda works.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.

I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.

All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don’t know what they’re talking about.

I’ve learned, That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

It isn’t working that’s so hard, it’s getting ready to work.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he’s written that can’t be read aloud easily.

I remember when I couldn’t afford to eat like this. It was ramen noodles and the San Francisco Treat [Rice-A-Roni]. Dessert? Get you a honey bun and put a slice of cheese on it. Put it in the microwave for 45 seconds and you had the gift of a lifetime.

I remember when I couldn’t afford to eat like this. It was ramen noodles and the San Francisco Treat [Rice-A-Roni]. Dessert? Get you a honey bun and put a slice of cheese on it. Put it in the microwave for 45 seconds and you had the gift of a lifetime.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

Betcha I wet cha like hurricanes and typhoons, got buffoons eating my pussy while I watch cartoons.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

When no one is looking, I swallow deserts and clouds and chew on mountains knowing they are sweet bones! When no one is looking and I want to kiss God, I just lift my own hand to my mouth.