If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.
ANDY ROONEYI’d like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off.
More Andy Rooney Quotes
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Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.
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It isn’t working that’s so hard, it’s getting ready to work.
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Women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that’s why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.
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Familiar things are a comfort to us all.
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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
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Conservatives are more religious than liberals–although there is no evidence that they’re nicer people because of it.
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I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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Don’t you hate it when, your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?
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I’ve learned that we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
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Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn’t have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.
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I’ve learned. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you more.
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I’ve learned that under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
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One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.
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Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others
ANDY ROONEY