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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Brother College Cut Him Member Nail Physician Surgeon Youngest
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Always Dinner First Morning Plan Thing
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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