If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
ADAM CAROLLAYou should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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I get depressed at airports.
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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I don’t know anything about computers.
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The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I’m not sure why.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
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There are certain things women are better at than men.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.
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I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.
ADAM CAROLLA