Welfare is monetary methadone.
ADAM CAROLLAThe main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff.
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I know everything because I know nothing.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
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If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.
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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
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Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.
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If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
ADAM CAROLLA