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I don’t know anything about computers.

Adam Carolla

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
ADAM CAROLLA

Chick Daughter Dude Fire Funny Mother Reason
People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’
ADAM CAROLLA

College Look People Smart White
I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
ADAM CAROLLA

Democrat Democratic Republican Used
I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
ADAM CAROLLA

Blue Collar Doofus Guy Valley
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.
ADAM CAROLLA

Business Dog Family Focus Fun Good Life
We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
ADAM CAROLLA

Brush Front never Own Pick Stand
If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
ADAM CAROLLA

Act Boom Country Driven Gay Golf Real Rule Section Value
Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.
ADAM CAROLLA

Buc Focus Made Making Nickle Saving
The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.
ADAM CAROLLA

Add Cab Car Knowing Shuttle Town Travel
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
ADAM CAROLLA

Diarrhea Funny Hand Humor Riding Roller Coater Sex
As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
ADAM CAROLLA

Bird Book Escape Mean Moving Relieved
Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
ADAM CAROLLA

Ashtray College High Junior School
I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.
ADAM CAROLLA

Admit God Know Law Other Same Way World
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
ADAM CAROLLA

Amount Art Get Joke Naked People Probably Reality Standing Telling Thinking
I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
ADAM CAROLLA

Finished Funny Humor Masturbatory Pizza Session Two
Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
ADAM CAROLLA

Average Batting Delusional Good Hundred Percentage Pretty

I don’t know anything about computers.

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I don’t know anything about computers.

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