If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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