I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERGI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG






