I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG