I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERGI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG