I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG