When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG