On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG






