“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Let anyone speak hundreds of things against you, do not resent by giving a bitter reply. If you tolerate such things, you will certainly be happy. If anybody wants any money from you, and you are not inclined to give, do not give. But do not bark at him like a Dog.

It’s Christmas time and my rhyme’s steady bumpin. Everybody happy, hair still nappy, Gonna steal a gift for my old grandpappy.

A grateful dog is better than an ungrateful man.

A dog will never forget the crumb thou gavest him, though thou mayst afterwards throw a hundred stones at his head.

Man is, beyond dispute, the most excellent of created beings, and the vilest animal is a dog; but the sages agree that a grateful dog is better than an ungrateful man.

Do good even to the wicked; it is as well to shut a dog’s mouth with a crumb.

Every puppy should have a boy.

A dog barks when his master is attacked. I would be a coward if I saw that God’s truth is attacked and yet would remain silent.