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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Break Funny Humor Sorry
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girl Mad Relationship
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dream Hate Sleep
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Giraffe Hate
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Lonely Myself Play
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dog Funny Humor
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Phone
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Missing
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fall Funny Myself Travel
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Experience Sky Thinking Travel
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Climate Funny Humor Men
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor People
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG

Cancer Funny Humor
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG

Death Fake Funny Plant Sarcastic

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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