I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG