I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERGRice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG