Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGI love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERGI wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERGI was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERGRice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERGI like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERGI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG