Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG