“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.

Wherever I go people recognize me, call my name, cheer for me. But there are names no one cares to remember, that no one cheers for: the 805 million people suffering from hunger in the world today.

My favorite food is hot Cheetos. I could eat those every day.

I make sure to stop by in every city they exist to attend to my sweet tooth.

Come, follow me and I will send you out to fish for people.

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou.

There is wealth in grains of salt and drops of sea because every little bit counts and makes the oceans what it is.

I could make apple pie every single day. You need to be super precise in order for it to be perfect. I’m such a perfectionist that baking is calming for me. I’ve never burnt anything, thank God.