I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDSJust like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS