If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDSJust like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I drink therefore I am.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS