I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSSome weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS