“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

The safest way of not being very miserable is not to expect to be very happy.

The world was expecting her to be a beautiful flower. Society behaved in such a way that turned her into a fierce sword.

Do good without the expectation that your favour will be returned.

You can’t hurt a person and expect them to fake happiness so that it doesn’t hurt your ego.

Accept the darkness before you expect the sun to shine.

You can’t keep hurting a person and expect them to keep loving you.

They expect me to feel like spring but my heart is full of April showers.

People’s expectations cut dreamer’s wings.