Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDSI am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS