“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

You can’t cheat an honest man.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I’ll eat anything. I love food in general. I love traditional Mexican, carne asada. Just meat, beans, rice, and some good salsa.

The origin of a modern party is anthropological: humans meet and share food to lower hostility between them and indicate friendship.

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Occasionally, in the afternoons, I catch a movie, watch football, go to Sunday brunch, or visit with family and friends.

Hatred is the vice of narrow souls; they feed it with all their littleness, and make it the pretext of base tyrannies.