Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDSNever give a sucker an even break.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS