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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

W. C. Fields

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

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