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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

W. C. Fields

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

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