“Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!”

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it.

Beneficence is always free, it cannot be extorted by force.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

There will be those who seek to destroy you and everything you stand for. No matter what, keep building.

I hope what I awakened in you, devours me.

Love is preserved by wisdom. Destroyed by demand, tested by doubt, nourished by longing. It blossoms with faith and grows with gratitude.

If your love destroys me, consider my destruction glorious.