During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDSTry till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I drink therefore I am.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS