I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDSIf I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS