The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDSThe only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS






