I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSThe only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS