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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

W. C. Fields

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

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