“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

Awakening self-compassion is often the greatest challenge people face on the spiritual path.

I believe with all my heart God’s Story has a happy ending. . . But not yet, not necessarily yet. It takes faith to hold on to that in the face of the great burden of experience, which seems to prove otherwise.

There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.

It’s a long road when you face the world alone, when no one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within your soul, and the emptiness you felt will disappear.

Is it really so easy to determine that smacking someone in the face to find out where he has hidden the bomb that is about to blow up Los Angeles is prohibited by the Constitution?

In my madness I see your face in mine.

The wisdom of God is reflected in the face of the soul: she will see God as he is, and she will know as she is known.

I was bit by a dog when I was two years old, and it almost mauled my face. It almost killed and/or blinded me. I was this close to dying at two, which is terrible. I survived it, and there was no head trauma or anything like that. Honestly, it was a miracle.