I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDSI drink therefore I am.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS