You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDSIf pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS