I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSTrust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS