I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLYA well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
BILLY CONNOLLY