“Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.”

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.

Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

Height isn’t something you can have and just let be, like nice teeth or naturally curly hair. People have this idea you have to put it to use, playing basketball, for example, or observing the weather up there. If you are a girl, they feel a particular need to point your height out to you, as if you might not have noticed.

Don’t you be so nice to me; I fall in love so easily.

You have the nicest window, you know? None of the others can even compete. It´s not flashy like the others, or bleary – your window gives of this nice, quiet light.

Why is anthony amowitz using his pimp smile on you? Youre only calling him a pimp because hes here. At marcies. Yeah, so? Hes being nice. I elbowed her. Smile back. Being nice? Hes being horny.

It’s nice to keep in touch – besides, it’s the only place in London where you can park a car.

I’ve got a nice collection of paintings – a Basquiat, a black-and-white Warhol that’s like a Rorschach test, and I commissioned Takashi Murakami to do a ten-foot joint for me. It’s almost like the explosion in Hiroshima with his famous skeleton head. There’s a wall above my fireplace reserved for it.

If someone gives me a to-do list, I say ‘thank you, this is nice.’ One needs things to throw in the wastebasket.

Being nice? Hes being horny.