I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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